Bluebird Heights
by saywhat
Summary: A one shot that shows how Craig's secrets and pain come out in the song from Together Forever. CraigEllie.


**This takes place in the episode Together Forever from Season 5 right after Ellie tells Craig to go solo. This is my interpretation of what the song was really about.**

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Craig wanted her. He needed her. But he would not have her. He would not let himself have her.

He sat down in the garage thinking hard about what she had said. Was she right? Was he really cut out to be a solo act? To leave the rest of the band, his friends, Joey and his sister, his life and go out on his own? Could he leave her?

He put his arms on the guitar in his lap and rested his chin on top of them. God, he was terrified. Not only terrified of what he was thinking of doing but terrified of what he was feeling. He had been struggling with his feelings for Ellie for so long. After things had gone sour with Ashley, he had promised himself that he would never again feel something so deep, so piercing. His blood had been spilled once but it would not be spilled again.

_She likes you_, Craig told himself. _She obviously does. Just call her and tell her you want to be with her._ He leaned over and rested a hand on the cordless phone that sat on the table. _She'll be happy. You'll be happy. You can stay here and be happy together. You don't have to run, don't have to hide behind the music anymore._

The phone rang suddenly, causing him to start in surprise. Taking a breath he answered it. Manny. He was overcome with guilt. Sweet loving Manny. How could he have forgotten her?

"Craig?"

"Yeah. Sorry. What's up?"

"I was just about to head on over. Is everything okay? You sound a little distracted."

Craig fumbled with the strings on his guitar. "No I'm okay. But actually I have to go with Joey to, um, pick up Angie and then we're going out to dinner. You know, to celebrate the band being chosen as a finalist and stuff."

"Oh. Okay, well I guess I'll just see you tomorrow at the show then. I love you."

Craig hesitated. "Manny…I love you too." He pressed the button on the phone to hang up then hurled it across the room. It hit the wall and broke apart.

He hated himself. He hated himself for doing this to Manny again. He had truly thought that this time things would work out between them. _Why do I keep hurting her? She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve her. _

The words that had once been so difficult for him to say came way too easily now. _I love you._ Did he even know what they meant anymore? Had what happened with Ashley closed his heart off from truly feeling love again?

Ellie's face flashed into his mind. Her speech from just a few minutes ago echoed in his ears. She believed in him so much. She was caring and smart and funny. Not to mention gorgeous. She had been there for him through a rough summer. Being diagnosed bi-polar had been bad enough. Having Ashley leave on such a terrible note and having Joey a mess after Caitlin left only made it worse. The group meetings helped but talking to Ellie had been nothing short of healing. She somehow always knew the right words to say, the right time to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. He had talked to her about everything from his abuse at the hands of his father to his mother's death to his struggle to keep going every day. He had allowed her to know him in a way that no one had before.

No he did know what love felt like. And he knew he was not in love with Manny. It was Ellie. He had fallen in love with Ellie.

The admittance of this finally hit him like a punch in the gut. He felt his heart start to race, his breath caught in his throat. _I love Ellie. I love Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. ELLIE._

He wanted to call her, to tell her then realized he had just broken the phone. He got up to go into the house and use the phone in there then paused.

_What are you doing, Manning? _he asked himself, sitting back down heavily on the couch. _Didn't you learn anything? It doesn't matter what they say. They might pretend to love you but they're really just getting ready to leave you._

_No,_ he thought, arguing with himself. _That's not always true. People do fall in love and stay together. People stick by each other._

_Like Ashley? Leaving you for the first guy she met with a cute accent? Like your mother left you? Like your father? _

Craig pressed his hands against the sides of his head trying to shut out the memories. The pain of his parents' deaths had never left him and he knew it never would. The images flashed in his mind now. The soft smile that always played on his mother's face as she tucked him into bed and told him that she loved him. The regret and sorrow in his father's eyes when he apologized for hurting him and told him that he loved him. The crushing blow he had felt when Joey had called to tell him that his mother was dead. The stinging pain in his cheek when his father struck him before driving off to his own death. The hurt felt new all over again.

"I'm not strong enough," he whispered, closing his eyes. He could not bear anything else. He knew he would not be able to handle it if Ellie left him. He was terrified of what he might do. And he now knew what he had to do. For once he had to be the one to leave.

Taking a deep breath, Craig lifted his guitar, ready to write the song that would take him away. Away from all the pain and regret that his life held. Away from love.

_The day is long  
Flight and song  
But I don't even listen_

_Bluebird heights  
Piece of night  
I don't even try_

_Every Mama gone missing  
Every Papa gone mad_

_I'll take a chance  
It's not romance  
But something more important_

_So give me wings  
Let me sing  
It's all been done before_

_For every girl that's unhappy  
For every boy that is bad  
Every Mama gone missing  
Oh, every Papa gone mad_

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_**Please leave reviews, comments, etc!**_  
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